in which my sons turn my frown upside down

Last night, after a long day, I found myself stuck in traffic on the freeway for an hour and fifteen minutes during my commute home. We’re a little short on money this week due to Christmas shopping (Who am I kidding? These days we’re short on money every week), so I’d put five dollars’ worth of gas in my car after I left work, hoping that would get me through until payday. And it would have, too, if I hadn’t had to sit in traffic for so long. (No, this story doesn’t end with me running out of gas. But jury’s still out on whether or not I can make it home tonight!)

So I sat there in traffic stewing, my blood pressure rising as the gas needle crept lower. I tried to look at the bright side of things: If I hadn’t stopped for gas, who knows? It might have been me in that accident. But I just kept getting more and more irritated, and by the time I finally made it to the daycare (fifty minutes later than usual), I just wanted to be home already.

The boys were dawdling, wanting to stop and look every single Christmas decoration in the daycare, and they weren’t listening to a word I was saying as I tried to herd them to the car (because even though there are only two of them, they are a herd). I know I spoke to them harshly. I was so tired and so frustrated and so over everything.

As I was making sure Andrew had strapped himself properly into his car seat, I felt his little hand on my cheek. “Mommy,” he said. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Give me a hug.” And then my sweet boy, my darling intuitive little boy, wrapped his arms around me and patted me gently on the back. “It’s okay, Mommy,” he repeated, and then: “I just love you so much, Mommy.” And then Will spoke up, too: “Love you, Mommy! Very special Mommy!”

Well. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that I immediately started bawling. Hearing my own words of comfort returned to me by my sweet little boys was the reminder I needed right then that I’m doing okay. I may feel like I don’t have a handle on some parts of my life right now, and there are things (like traffic) that I can’t control, but I am still raising two beautiful, gentle, amazing sons. And that is all that matters. I’m doing more than okay.