I don’t want my lack of posting here to make it seem as though things are not well with me right now, because oh, they are. My lack of posting has been less about I have nothing to say, and more about Where do I even start? I’m going to start, I think, by just writing and seeing what comes out.
Lately I feel like I’m in this very content place in my life. I just feel happy. My head is full of all kinds of ideas (for updates to our house, for how to improve my food blog, etc.), and, finally, we have a little bit of leeway financially to bring some of those ideas to fruition. I’m just so busy that the challenge is picking a starting point...and finding the time to start. The planning stages are all very exciting for me, and I’m more excited about our house and its potential than I think I’ve ever been.
I took the day off last Wednesday, and Joe was also off, so we had a “day date.” We went out to lunch and did some shopping, and it was just so wonderful to spend an uninterrupted day with him, just him. Sometimes in the whirlwind that is the parenting of two small boys, it’s easy to forget that we really like each other, and like talking to each other, and are still learning about each other every day in all kinds of new ways even after more than 12 years together. I’m aware more than ever that we grew up together, and am thrilled that we still seem to be growing together. Having him on first shift has been such a monumental change for our family that I don’t even know how to begin describing it. In many ways, he’s a completely different person. He’s so much more present with the boys and so much more attentive with me. He laughs more and is more at ease and converses in multi-syllabic words instead of acting like a zombie so much of the time. I love zombies, as we all know, but living with a husband who acted like one more often than not was becoming tiresome. Soon, he’ll be taking over a position that will enable him to have every Saturday off (and work a very early shift on Sundays), so my weekends of single parenting are on their way out. His presence on the weekends will offer me some much-needed relief and give the boys so much more time with their dad.
The boys are thriving. Since Christmas, it’s as though a flip was switched within Andrew, and he just grew up. Suddenly, he’s this boy -- this vibrant, thoughtful, creative, smart little boy. He’s still incredibly sensitive, something I had hoped he’d outgrow (at least to some extent) with time, but he hasn’t yet. I just enrolled him in soccer (HOW IS HE OLD ENOUGH TO PLAY SOCCER?) and I’m hoping that it...not toughens him up, exactly, but helps him develop a thicker skin. I am so proud of his quiet confidence, his sweetness, his love for his brother, his silly sense of humor, his thoughtful and wise-beyond-his-years-but-still-innocent observations about the world around him. I still look at him in wonder and awe, just as I have since the day he was born, and I wonder if I’ll ever stop. (I don’t think I will, nor do I want to.)
And then there’s Will, who is now three, and who is SO VERY THREE. He’s about 90% potty-trained, and just moved up to the 3’s class at daycare. At the end of every day, he’s full of stories about what he did and who he played with. He has a fun, charismatic personality and is so independent, and he tests boundaries to the extreme. He does so many things every single day that make me laugh, from the way he gives The Side Eye ™ to the way he “stinks” around the walls of our house (he’s actually “sneaking,” like a character in the video game the boys are playing with Joe right now, but as he does it he says “Stink, stink, stink” instead). He is my handful, my challenging child, the one who will drive me to the breaking point and then bring me right back with a flash of his dimple. Life is never dull with him around.
Watching my sons together is like watching a miracle take place before my eyes. Well, when they’re getting along, that is – when they’re fighting, it’s more like a nightmare, to be honest. They’re best friends, these two, with all that that entails, so some fighting is to be expected. But most of the time, they balance each other out perfectly; Andrew brings out the sweetness and goodness in Will, and Will brings out the ornery and daring parts of Andrew. I know that in 50 years I will close my eyes and still be able to hear the sound of their combined giggles echoing through my mind. It is my very favorite sound.
In just over a month, I turn 30 years old, and if I step back and look at my life from the outside in, I can see that I’m exactly where I had hoped to be at this point in my life. There are small things I would change, but the big things are all covered. I own my own home, I have a career I (mostly) love, I have a handsome, loving husband and beautiful, healthy, brilliant children. I have wonderful friends who I still see regularly (some for going on 25 years now), and my love of running is helping me to challenge and push myself to do things that I never thought I could. Typically this time of the year is very hard for me, but this year I find myself rolling with the punches more than I ever have and being a much more present participant in my own life. I have this sense of anticipation, this sense of a new stage beginning.
What I’m saying is, I like what I see when I look at my life these days, and I can’t wait to see what comes next.